Cultivating an Idea, I - Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
Brené Brown is a shame and empathy researcher
and a best-selling author, whose talk: The
power of vulnerability (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
) at TEDxHouston in 2011, went viral. In her book, Daring Greatly (2012, p. 9), she shares from her research on people
who are shame-resilient, people who are Wholehearted. Wholeheartedness is the
word I chose for 2020 (per Wording an Idea in the January issue of Entertaining an Idea), because it sounded
really good and is the way I want to be – living fully, being courageous, accepting
the “10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys”, being more open and generous and
compassionate. Then I started digging into Daring
Greatly and found out there’s more to being Wholehearted than I realized! It
includes being vulnerable, believing we are enough and that we are worthy of
love and belonging; or resilience to shame. Some of those are tougher to
swallow for me. But it made me interested to read more.
What do Wholehearted people have in common?
In the responses to this question, Brené Brown discovered 10 guideposts for Wholehearted living. In these I saw perfect blog topics this year, given my 2020 word. A set of topics to stimulate inquiry and reflection, as well as challenge my thinking (a.k.a. another flippin’ growth opportunity!). The first guidepost is Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think.
What does it mean to be authentic?
Authentic: the quality of being genuine, actual, real; true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character (“Authentic.” The Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster Inc., https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/authentic . Accessed 14 January 2020).
In her 1922 children’s classic, The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams describes what it is to be real:
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you”. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand”.
What gets in the way of being Real?
Fear of being vulnerable – to be really seen for who we are and worrying about what other people think. This shows up as, Am I enough? And Do I do enough?
More specifically:
Am I a good enough wife? Sib? Daughter? Aunt? Godmother? Friend? Teacher? Coach? Etc.
Am I smart enough? Fast enough? Attractive enough? Skilled enough? Empathetic enough?
Do I achieve enough? Am I busy enough? [to be worth of love, respect, and belonging]?
Do I contribute enough?
And Is good enough, enough (Is not perfect o.k.)?
Some of these may sound familiar, and you probably have your own unique versions of:
Am I _______ enough?
Do I _______ enough?
Shaping
Some of these questions and concerns about “enough” are shaped externally by our intimate relationships, our family of origin, our community, schools and schooling, institutions, society, and world. Some are shaped internally as we compare ourselves to others, or as we strive or compete for success, recognition, acceptance, and belonging. At their foundation is a lack of worthiness and a sense of scarcity, and these get in the way of being Wholehearted.
Reshaping: Practices
So, let’s flip the question (and our perspective) and focus on the positive. Let’s Take in the Good, as Rick Hansen encourages.
Take a few moments, turn your attention inward, and connect with who you are at your essence. Then list three ways you are enough, and three ways you do enough, and how you know those to be true (i.e., specific examples). They can be awards or honors you have received, or comments and reflections that friends and colleagues have shared with you. They can even be what you know about yourself and no one else knows. And don’t feel limited by three…you can go for as many as you want to if your sense of worth needs a little more support!
The practice of noticing and celebrating our value and worth – acknowledging and being grateful for who we are and what we do (our offers to the world) gives us an opportunity to shift our perspective in a positive direction and to be able to see the positive in others, too. It starts at home, in us. And it’s part of cultivating authenticity.
You might ask several trusted friends and colleagues for 5-10 descriptors that come to mind when they think of you. Invite them to share and offer the same in return. Acknowledging the value that we bring in who we are and what we do helps us offer those our unique gifts with more confidence and have greater impact, and life in a more genuine and Wholehearted way.
The second guidepost for Wholehearted living is Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionsim. Yes – you read that correctly, perfectionism is misspelled – it was accidental, and I’m taking the opportunity to start practicing letting go of perfectionism now 
See you next time!
Resources
Embracing your authentic self: Jennifer Gillivan at TEDxMSVU Women (Dec. 7, 2013; 13:04): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa9LmKL7tJ8
Living an authentic life: Dr. Maria Sirois at TEDxBerkshires (Jan. 14, 2013; 14:36): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohGMg-LJCjs – includes not caring what people think, self-authoring, living wholeheartedly/truthfully and the benefits, stepping into 5% more authenticity, examples, and humor – inspiring!
A peaceful, guided meditation with nature images – Find your True Self and live Authentically: Michelle Chalfont (April 24, 2017; 18:24): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gihd49AJZK4
Until next time,
enjoy Entertaining An Idea
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